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Hurry Hard/Transcript
Hank Yarbo: Hurry, hurry, hard! Brent Leroy: Hard, hurry, hard! Hank: Yes, yes! Brent: Whoa, right off! Lacey Burrows: What are you doing? You're freakin' me out. Brent: Oh, sorry. We're just gettin' ready for curling season. Lacey: Oh. Brent: I take it you're not a fan? Lacey: No, no, I have never gotten into curling. I find it kind of, I don't know... Brent: Dull? Lacey: I suppose. But more, um... Hank: Slow? Lacey: Could you slip the word excruciating in there somewhere? Brent: Well, I can see where it wouldn't hold the same level of intensity as muffin stacking. But it has its moments. Lacey: Well I'm sure it does. It's just not my cup of tea. Hank: Oh come on, it's more exciting than a cup of tea. Brent: Yeah, it may not be muffins, but it's more than tea. Give it that much. Lacey: Fine. It's less than muffins, but more than tea. Brent: Was that so difficult? Lacey: I don't even know what I'm saying. Brent: Then our work here is done. See ya. Lacey: Bye. Oscar Leroy: Step into this century, woman. Get with it. Brent: Get with it? Has Dad been watching "Laugh-In" again? Emma Leroy: He wants me to get rid of my lucky straw curling broom. I like it. It makes a thocka, thocka sound. Oscar: People don't take us seriously out on the ice Wanda Dollard: What are you sayin'? We're losing our sheet cred? Brent: Dad, I'm proposing that you let me be skip this year. I have some strategies I'd like to try out on the ice. Oscar: Strategies? There's no strategy in curling. You just throw rocks. Brent: Maybe that's why our team record with you as skip is...Wanda? Wanda: Oh, ah, 2 wins, 87 losses, 1 tie. The wins were by default and the tie was against Mrs. Carter's grade 3 class. Oscar: It's not about winning or losing. Emma: It's about what kind of broom you have. Oscar: I'll tell you what, you can be skip of this team when you pry the broom out of my cold dead hands. Brent: Any idea when that might be, Mr. Heston? Davis Quinton: Karen, I want to show you something. The Clavet Cup. Named after Archie Clavet, the greatest curler to ever come out of Dog River. Some people say Archie Clavet could slide a cup of coffee down the length of the ice, draw it dead to the button, without spilling a drop. Isn't that amazing? Karen Pelly: It's amazing that people go around saying that, yeah. So what's this thing for? Davis: The winner of the annual Dog River Bonspiel. It's our duty to guard it. Karen: And who are we guarding it from, tin thieves? Davis: Everyone. People are always trying to grab it and touch it and put their glommy mitts on it and have their pictures taken with it. Karen: With this? You could go to any trophy store in the City and get two of these for 10 bucks. Davis: Not like this. This was named after the great Archie Clavet. Some people say Archie... Karen: Important trophy. Got it. Brent: Fine. But you're forcing me to quit Team Leroy and form my own new team, which I will call New Team Leroy or Team Leroy Two, or, uh, Team Leroy... Wanda: The Next Generation. Brent: There might be a copyright issue. The name is not important. What is important is that I'm striking out on my own. Mom, will you come with me? Emma: I'm sorry son. I'm sticking with Oscar. You dance with the one that brung ya. Oscar: Damn right. Emma: No matter how disappointed you are in his dancing. Oscar: Damn right. Brent: Fine. Wanda, will you come with me? Wanda: You rented Jerry McGuire last night, didn't ya? Brent: Yeah, I forgot to bring it back, too. But regardless, will you come with me? Wanda: I don't know, Brent. Brent: Bear in mind, I sign your paycheque. Wanda: Fine. I'll join your new team. Oscar: Aa-ah! Brent: Yes. Thank you, Wanda. You won't regret this. Wanda: Yeah, yeah, you complete me. Brent: Look, I've left Mom and Dad's rink. I'm gonna skip my own rink in this year's bonspiel. Hank: Really? That's cool. Brent: Yeah. So far it's me and Wanda and I'm here to ask you, do you wanna be on my team? Hank: Oh, geez, thanks, Brent. But that might not look right. I mean, I am in charge of the ice over there. If I was on one of the teams, people might think I'd somehow use my ice pebbling abilities to sway the game. And frankly, I wouldn't blame them. Brent: I think you're being paranoid. Emma: Hank can't be on your team. He works at the rink. Oscar: He could pebble the ice in your favour and cheat to win. Hank: How can you say that? And frankly, I'm hurt. Just for that, I'm gonna join Brent's team. So there. Brent: I'm not exactly sure what just happened, but you're on my team now, right? Hank: Yeah. And, frankly, I don't... Brent: Stop saying frankly. Davis: You might even say that the very spirit of Dog River is carried in this cup. Karen: Cup of spirit. Gotcha. Davis: I'd let you guard it, but it's a pretty big job and I just don't know if you're ready. No offence. Karen: You don't think I'm a good enough cop to guard a tin bucket? Davis: And that offends you? Davis (phone): Hello. Oh, hi, Emma. Really? Oh, you bet. Thanks, Emma. Davis: Look, Karen, I'm sorry I offended you. You're right. You're a good cop. You deserve a shot at guarding the Clavet Cup. Karen: Thanks, Davis. I mean, I don't actually want to guard the cup. It was just the principle. Davis: No, no, no, no. You were right, I was wrong. The job is yours. The bonspiel is on Saturday. Bring the cup down to the rink around noon. Karen: Fine. I will guard your precious cup. Where ya goin'? Davis: A special assignment. Emma: I'm glad you could join the team, Davis. Davis: My pleasure. I've wanted to play in this bonspiel for years. Oscar: Okay, Davis replaces Brent. But who replaces Wanda? Emma: Could Karen join? Davis: A special assignment. Who's she talkin' to? Oscar: Myrtle Runsman. Hopefully she'll be our new fourth. Emma (phone): Well, you take care, Myrtle. You just follow doctor's orders and you'll be walking around in no time. Our prayers are with you. Oscar: So she's in? Emma: No, she's not in. She just got her hip replaced. Oscar: Good gravy. That woman is forever gettin' new hips. As soon as new model comes on the market, she's gotta have it. Emma: Well, I think she's hooked on the painkillers. Mertyl Runciman (phone): And the moon farthest from Jupiter has a cave on it. So there's no reason to bring a tent. Brent: Come on, think. There's gotta be one other woman. Wanda: They're either already on a team, out of town, or breaking in new body parts. Brent: Come on, think. We just need one other woman. Anybody will do. She doesn't even have to be any good. Lacey? Can you think of anyone? Lacey: No. It beats me. Oh, I gotta get back to work. Wanda: Lacey! Brent: We could get Lacey! Hank: Don't look at me. I don't work here. No, wait. Gimme 10 bucks. They'll, uh, ring it in later. Brent: Lacey, we want you... Emma: Nice try, kid. We were here first. Oscar: Too late, Buddy Boy. Wanda: Aw, Lacey, you don't wanna do this. You'll be miserable. If you throw better than Emma, she gets all pouty puss. And if you throw lousy, Oscar calls you a jackass. And the two of them together are complete...competitors. And for various non-specific reasons, you do not want to be on their team. Lacey: What team? Emma: Oh geez, we haven't even asked her yet. Oscar: Lacey, would you be on our curling team? We win. She belongs to us. Lacey: I don't belong to anybody. Wanda: She's still a free agent. Up the ante. Brent: Ah, would you be on our team, please. Wanda: Good ante. Lacey: I don't know why you guys want me to play. I don't know anything about curling. I mean, well, except that it involves sweeping and I do enough cleaning around here. Brent: Well, right there, Lacey. That's why, that irrepressible sense of humour you have. Lacey: Really? Emma: We think you're funnier than they do. Don't we Oscar? Oscar: Yeah. "I do enough cleaning around here" because it's sweeping. Lacey: Wow. Thank you. Gosh, I'm really glad you enjoyed it. Ah, I still don't know anything about curling. Brent: Well, what's to know? You throw rocks and try to get them in the houses. Lacey: Throwing rocks at houses? Is that legal? Ah, I'm gonna think about it. Wanda: I can't do this. Brent: Keep laughin'. Wanda: Okay. Rocks at houses. Where do you come up with this stuff? Oscar: Okay, Brent's gone. So, Emma, you throw third stones. Davis, you throw second. Davis: All right! Emma: Are you sure, Oscar? Third requires touch and finesse. I play a take out game. Oscar: So? Practice your finesse. Just cozy one up to the button. Ease up, Emma! Hank: Ooh, is that the Clavet Cup? Karen: Yeah, I think that's what he called it. Hank: Cool. Can I touch it? Karen: Why do you wanna touch it? Hank: Just once, please? Let me touch it. Just once. Karen: I don't think I'm supposed to... Hank: I'll wipe my hands off. I'll give ya 10 bucks. Oscar: Do you know what the phrase "ease up" means? Emma: Do you know what the phrase "shut up" means? Davis: Oh, Oscar. The madder Emma gets, the stronger she gets. She's like The Hulk. Oscar: The what? Davis: The Hulk. He's a super hero. Oscar: Is he stronger than Superman? Davis: No. Well, some would argue that. Oscar: What about that spider guy? Davis: Look, my point is, if you want Emma to throw softer, try being nice to her. Compliment her. Oscar: Yeah, trick her. Good one, Davis. Hank: There you go. Lacey: What's this? Hank: Some money I owe ya, for my tab. Lacey: Oh, wow. Thanks, Hank. It's about half of what you owe, but... Hank: Half now, half when you agree to play with us. See you at the rink. Lacey: Now wait a second... Hank: Oh, I almost forgot. You got any of those great curling jokes for me? Brent says you got a million of 'em. Lacey: Curling? The game or what you do with your hair? Hank: The game. Now you got any jokes or not? Brent: Good draw, Ma. Nice touch. Emma: Thanks. Oscar: What the hell is he doin' here? Scram! Brent: Fine. I'll scram. But I'll see you on the coloured circles. That didn't sound as menacing as I wanted it to. Oscar: Why are you fraternizing with the opposition? I mean your hair looks great. Emma: What? Oscar: Are you losing weight? Emma: What are you up to? Oscar: What makes you think I'm up to somethin'. Emma: The last time you complimented me Brent was born. Jane: The Clavet Cup? Is that the real Clavet Cup? Oh, no, it must be a fake. Karen: It's the real one, I think. Jane: Oh, let me hold it. Wes Humboldt: Geez Louise! The Clavet Cup! Ow! Karen: Sorry, Wes, I have my orders. Wes: I just want to take a picture of you and the cup. Karen: The cup and me? Lacey: Hi, you guys. I've thought about this for a long time. Brent: Look Lacey, I know this isn't easy for you. Just tell my folks you'll play on our team. They won't be hurt. Lacey: I've decided to play on their team. Brent: Well, that hurts. Lacey: They asked me first. I think that I should show them that loyalty. They'd show me the same loyalty. Hank: I want my half of the tab back. Lacey: You owe me that money. Hank: You got it under false pretences. Lacey: You ate food and didn't pay for it. Hank: Don't change the subject. Karen: Ooo, that's a nice one. I look strong and authoritative, yet still soft and feminine, don't ya think? Wes: My arm hurts. Karen: Good pictures, Wes. But, uh, duty calls. Actual duty. I'm not just gonna go to the bathroom. Wes: Can I get one more with the Cup? Karen: Sure. Lacey: Hey, Guys. Good news. I've decided to join Team Leroy. Emma: The first generation or the next generation? Lacey: You guys. Emma: That's great, Lacey. Welcome aboard. Lacey: I'm ready to do some sweeping. Maybe some mopping and dusting too. Emma: We only need her for the day. Keep laughing at her jokes. Lacey: It is just so good to feel wanted. Myrtle: Here I am! Emma: Hey, Myrtle, you're outta bed. Thanks, Lacey, we don't need ya anymore. Lacey: Oh. Wow. I really missed the mark on the loyalty thing. Oscar: And your jokes aren't funny. Davis: Hey, Karen. Where's the Clavet Cup? Karen: Yesterday I was with Wes and I just turned away for a second... Davis: Ah, you lost it, didn't you? You lost the Clavet Cup. Karen: I didn't lose it. I'm unable to ascertain its whereabouts at this juncture. Davis: I taught you police mumbo-jumbo. Don't try it on me. Lacey: Oh, this is fun. I'm so glad I decided to be on your team. Wanda: Lacey, we know you're only over here because you got dumped for Morphine Myrtle. Lacey: Well, I still like being on a team. Brent: All right. So I'll be skipping. Lacey: Skipping? What, you're not gonna show up? Get it, skip? You guys don't like jokes either? Hank: Oh, we like jokes. Brent: We're all for jokes. Wanda: Did someone tell a joke? I love jokes. Davis: Don't let your lousy policing skills get you down. Everybody does something completely moronic now and then. Karen: Ah, you're just being nice. But it's the Clavet Cup. Everybody loved Archie Clavet. Davis: Nobody loved Archie Clavet. He was a liar, a thief, a racist, and a bigamist. Karen: But you said he was great and well respected. Davis: No, I said he was a great curler. You gotta respect that. Lacey: Have a heart! Have a heart! Hank: I think you mean "hurry, hard" or is this another one of your hilarious jokes? Lacey: No. I thought it was "have a heart." Wanda: Maybe you should shout internally. Oscar: Okay, before you make this shot, I just wanna say that shirt really brings out the green in your eyes. Emma: Thirty-five years of marriage and he doesn't even know my eyes are blue. Lacey: Hey. Why is Brent shaking hands with the other team? Another strange curling ritual? Hank: Yeah, a weird ritual called "We lost". Lacey: The whole tournament? Oh, geez. I'm sorry, you guys. I guess I didn't help much. Hank: You bounced every rock off the side. Lacey: I thought it was like shuffleboard. Wanda: You did your best, Lacey. But you're no drug addicted old broad straight outta hip surgery. Davis (phone): Check the drawer beside my desk. Did you find them? Karen (phone): Yeah. But I don't understand. Davis (phone): I lost a couple too, over the years. So I bought extras. You can get two for 10 bucks. Now get back here. The final's about to start. Brent: Hey, you guys. Just wanted to say good luck in the final. I hope you win the Clavet Cup. Oscar: Oh, look, Captain Strategy. Brent: I just had an idea that might help Mom. Oscar: She doesn't want your help. Emma: I wanna hear what he says. Brent: Dad, why don't you throw third stones and let Mom clean up? Oscar: Because I'm the skip. The skip throws last. Everybody knows that. Brent: The skip is just the leader of the team. The rules allow you to throw third and still be skip. Emma: Are you sure, or are you just screwing with his head? Either way's fine by me. Brent: Although uncommon, it is allowed. Just ask Alberta's Randy Furby and Dave Nedohin. Randy Ferbey: Yeah, you can do that. David Nedohin: That's what we do and we've won three briers. Oscar: Absolutely not. Emma: It's worth a shot. Oscar: It's worth a shot. But I'm in charge. Brent: Well, Captain Strategy has many more people to assist. Godspeed, citizens. Oscar: Hurry! Hurry! Good goin', Davis. Hank: Emma just has to make this shot and they win the game. Wanda: I know. I've been sitting here watching the whole thing with you. Lacey: Yes. But this information is helpful to me and anyone else who hasn't been able to observe the entire match. Hank: Yeah. So to summarize, if Emma makes this shot, Oscar and Emma win the Clavet Cup, which will be the dramatic conclusion to these events. Wanda: Did everyone get that? Oscar: Just clean the house and we win. Emma: Oh, it's a big takeout. I don't think I have the strength anymore. Oscar: Your eyes look nice. Your hair, have you changed it? Davis: No, Oscar. You need to make her angry. We need her strength. Oscar: I broke your new blender makin' homemade cement. And your broom's stupid. Davis: Hey, hey, hey! Emma: I did it! Oscar: We won! Emma: You did what to my blender? Fitzy Fitzgerald: And the winner of this year's annual Dog River Bonspiel is the Leroy Rink. The Old Generation. Emma: It's not the Old Generation. Oscar: The First Generation. Fitzy: My mistake. So now we'll present the winning rink with the Clavet Cup. Karen: Here it is, Clavet Cup, comin' through. Fitzy: The Clavet Cup. Emma: Wow! It looks brand new. Karen: No, that's it, the real one. Oscar: No, it isn't. I've seen it up close. This isn't it at all. Karen: I didn't lose it or anything. Oscar: You lost the Clavet Cup? Emma: Karen, how could you? Davis: Get her! Karen: Davis! Lacey: Oh, is that the Clavet Cup? Someone left one just like that at The Ruby. I use it in the kitchen. Oscar: You put bacon grease in the Clavet Cup? Lacey: It was a mistake. Davis: Get her! Karen: Yeah, get her. Lacey: Oh, have a heart. Brent: That's hurry hard. Category:Transcripts